The Musings of a Wandering Soul

I forgot about autumn. I forgot how much I love it. The crisp wind, the smell and taste of the air. Crunchy leaves under foot.

I found myself walking down Massachusetts St in Lawrence KS. Feeding the meter and wandering back to good food with old friends. After a lovely afternoon of shopping in a college town.

Then we headed off to consolidate cars and find the last piercing studio in my five city adventure. It was a good day.

Tomorrow? Off to St Louis.

night night

Yep I'm a sucker for unrequited love. Maybe I should have lived in the 1200's when they lived those sorts of things. Though even then I'm sure it was just stories and poetry. I like stories and poetry. Generally probably not considered a good thing. Escapism is like a drug, not quite heroin.

This weekend's escape? "Legend of the Seeker" They actually made a tv series based on the Sword of Truth book series. A bit cheesy and predictable but then so were the books. But a good story. And the person who gave me the first book in the series will always be special to me. A very interesting guy who made me feel both naive and protective at the same time. And if I had been single? Not someone I would probably marry but, it would have been something special.
(Take a guess Thorunn. I know you will anyway)

when you look up and someone 'grew up' when you weren't looking.
You never thought of them as less, until they were suddenly more. I can't even put my finger on why, they just are.

some suck and some not I guess. But in the end I got a negative balance.

The Good part: two weeks of happy happy mania. The good, energetic productive kind that I never get. It was fortuitous as well because we had a party this past Saturday night. So last week I was buzzing with cleaning and shopping and planing and decorating. The house looked fantastic. All shiny and neat and decked to the nines with Halloween goodness.

The Mixed: The party was a social flop. We had the food and the booze and music and ambiance. And a decided lack of guests. 6 Including my sister and a 5 month old. Those that were there were, however, high quality guests. People that we like and don't hang out with nearly enough. Two expected guests had good excuses, work and sick. Three others just suck and the rest I never really expected to come. It was a fun enjoyable evening. And despite the downer has inspired me to further social efforts.

The Bad: Painful crashing depressed exhaustion. I slept late Sunday, but managed to clean-up most of the party stuff, though am still working on the dishes. I then proceeded to have a major panic attack in the face of shopping for formal wear. Followed by much hiding in books. Monday brought another panic attack at the prospect on teaching. And the last 3 days have been pretty brooding and weeping.

Fortunately the weather has been a grey soothing balm to that which ails. It feels and smells of fall and has the cool grey skies of an early eastern spring. So for now I ride the waves of uncertainty but, things are starting to turn a corner. I really hope this weather holds awhile longer. I need it.

I just found a letter from the past. It was from someone I met at a conference in '91. We met in a time before I was afraid of people I didn't know. (I was just afraid of people I did know) At that point I was 14 and had about 3 friends at school. But something happened when I left the wretched little town that spawned me. I was kinda cool. People liked me, they thought I was interesting to talk to. What a concept. (Truly the only memories that I truly cherish from before college that I have held on to are from somewhere not where I lived or at least not with anyone I saw at school.) I also usually attracted people much older than myself. So he was 18. But just as I was often mistaken for 'not a freshman' later on so was true that summer. I guess most 18 year olds weren't expecting to make an intellectual connection with a 14 yr old. And intellectual it was. Or at least seemed to be, inthe eyes of two high school misfits. So we talked, in the long rambling, stream of conscienceness way that has become a passion of my life. I can't remember any of what was said now. I wonder what I would think of it? At the time I recall feeling terribly deep. Of course who doesn't at that age. (OMG do I sound old)

So where am I going with this? Not sure. It just fit into a lot of what has been streaming through my head recently. Sometimes I feel like I wasted my youth. (I know I know I'm not that old i just feelds that way sometimes)I was always so concerned about being responsible and never disappointing anyone, that I missed things. So now I'm 29 and still tryin to find myself. I realized last month that having blue hair made me happy. Like really, really euphorically happy. Part was the shock factor. I love making people do a double take. But mostly it was the shear joy of the color. It positively glowed. It was like energy flowed out of me through it. But it is hard to get yourself brought into client meetings when you have blue hair. Or black lipstick. Or any of the myriad things that I want. But at least the others I can do on the weekends. I can, and am, get falls. But its not the same. So what it comes down to is how do you reclaim a part of yourself without losing another part of you? Maybe you don't, not fully. I would love to find a design job where I could have that sort of freedom. Maybe I need to look into diversifying. Find a firm more out on the edge. And this flows into today's crazy idea. Moving to Dublin. It is a fantastic city. Without the overwhelming sprawl that happens here. Oh course it is farther away from everything I miss that CA. (Although not by much.)

So lots of thoughts hat may or may not ever go anywhere. In the mean time. I am, as usual, desperately trying to gain control of life as a whole. I'm trying to seek out new friends, get back in shape and even fix up the house. We are finally investing in some real furniture. Maybe by October the house won't look like college students live here. Well that is all for now. In theory I should head off to bed, but we'll see. Goatboy has duty so I will probably read myself to sleep around 2 or so.

be free.

Have you ever noticed that visiting your friends actually makes you miss them, and everyone else that you never get to see, more? Yesterday I thought I had totally overcome my funk of the last 2 weeks where I had the overwhelming need to hide from everyone and everything. it seems to have been replaced this morning by a intense desire to get on an airplane. (There is however a little, blond norse-woman out there that could mitigate this if she would call me back. :P)(part kidding, part not hun. I know your tired) So if you know me and we haven't talked in awhile feel free to call, write or send a carrier pigeon.

On the upside this weekend I found out that the bestman at a previously mentioned wedding lives very close to us AND runs a Saturday night D&D group. Could be good, need to find a char and go meet people. (yea yea its been 3 yrs I know. I have met some, just too many of them hangout on military bases.) then maybe I will even clean off the blades and try to find a fighter practice that I can live with. (What is up with grand melee every freaking week? Bear pit anyone?)

OK enough whining, need to shower and go be a grown up.

ciao ciao