So, I have a problem
Dec. 5th, 2008 20:22![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
darkfyre_museOK maybe not a problem but definitely something I need to get over. (Actually I have quite a few of these but, one thing at a time. (and thank you julesk for putting up with me whining about most of them)
So here it is. I seem to have this driving need to be part of a group. This was a big problem in elementary/jr high school, I sort of became jaded and ignored it for 15 years or so and am now back where I started. The return was spurred by my catalyst a few years ago, when I was turning 30, to start exploring who I was and who I wanted to be. This always leads to my general state of (not quite) awe that there are a lot of different 'me's' hanging out in my brain. (I like to think sometimes that this is something special but, really I am sure everyone is this multi-faceted) So I started picking through it all and discovering a couple things that I really felt a pull towards but had never really thought I was cool enough to live. Well fuck cool, I am long past trying to be society's version of cool. I'm lucky if I can manage to not make people look at me funny at work.
So I started looking a goths. I like goths. They read cool books, dress nice and like saying fuck you to those that sneer at being different. So I bought some new clothes for work, all in black. Dyed my hair red and started broadening my music collection. Then I fell into a classic adolescent trap, I wanted to be considered by others as goth. This is not practical. Firstly, I have never done the club thing. Generally this sort of casual social mixing is integral to most subcultures, and especially true here. Second I am getting into the game WAY late. No one wants to be a 30 y/o poser. And to be completely honest, I am not nearly as fringe as I would like to think I am. So while I am really uncomfortable calling myself goth for fear of public ridicule, I secretly wanted to be able to say that I am. (insert adolescent insecurities here)
But in the end I am and I'm not. I love concerts and clubs. People watching and being watched and having not quite pretentious conversation in interesting settings is a really great way to spend a saturday night. But I also like my green henley (sorry love, you're not getting that one back), the Gin Blossoms and REM speak to my soul and yes I watch too much TV.
In a similar vein I also have this weird fascination with being part of a generation. Well I am just barely old enough to claim membership in Gen X. I came of age to REM and flannel. I even played a college student in a smoky coffee shop at Pitt for 2 semesters sophomore year in HS. (And yes at 15 I played the roll of aspiring film student and angst-y artist, one day a week for months, quite well. Even got a couple potential dates out of it. Too bad I'm a coward.) But I wasn't looking for a job in the post dot.com recession and I was only 13 when I saw Singles and Nirvana changed the face of music. However, I am so NOT a Gen Y. I have used a typewriter and my first music purchases were vinyl. Also I abhorred this idea that moving back in with your parents after college, unless absolutely necessary, is even remotely acceptable. It may make financial sense but, holy shit.
This inability to be put in a box bothers me. And that it bothers me really bothers me. Really, though, reading through this I don't think it matters. I think I am looking for the security blanket of belonging but, am not so sure that it would be as comfy as it looks. Maybe my feet would stick out the bottom and the tags would rub.
I hate cold feet and cut the tags off my undies.
So while I get more content with who I am all the time, I can't promise that I won't show up as a poser some nights. Be nice, I don't foresee growing out of it anytime soon.
ETA: I'm not trying to be gloomy or mopey or something like that. Really this is just me doing brain dumps of things that are running through my head lately.
So here it is. I seem to have this driving need to be part of a group. This was a big problem in elementary/jr high school, I sort of became jaded and ignored it for 15 years or so and am now back where I started. The return was spurred by my catalyst a few years ago, when I was turning 30, to start exploring who I was and who I wanted to be. This always leads to my general state of (not quite) awe that there are a lot of different 'me's' hanging out in my brain. (I like to think sometimes that this is something special but, really I am sure everyone is this multi-faceted) So I started picking through it all and discovering a couple things that I really felt a pull towards but had never really thought I was cool enough to live. Well fuck cool, I am long past trying to be society's version of cool. I'm lucky if I can manage to not make people look at me funny at work.
So I started looking a goths. I like goths. They read cool books, dress nice and like saying fuck you to those that sneer at being different. So I bought some new clothes for work, all in black. Dyed my hair red and started broadening my music collection. Then I fell into a classic adolescent trap, I wanted to be considered by others as goth. This is not practical. Firstly, I have never done the club thing. Generally this sort of casual social mixing is integral to most subcultures, and especially true here. Second I am getting into the game WAY late. No one wants to be a 30 y/o poser. And to be completely honest, I am not nearly as fringe as I would like to think I am. So while I am really uncomfortable calling myself goth for fear of public ridicule, I secretly wanted to be able to say that I am. (insert adolescent insecurities here)
But in the end I am and I'm not. I love concerts and clubs. People watching and being watched and having not quite pretentious conversation in interesting settings is a really great way to spend a saturday night. But I also like my green henley (sorry love, you're not getting that one back), the Gin Blossoms and REM speak to my soul and yes I watch too much TV.
In a similar vein I also have this weird fascination with being part of a generation. Well I am just barely old enough to claim membership in Gen X. I came of age to REM and flannel. I even played a college student in a smoky coffee shop at Pitt for 2 semesters sophomore year in HS. (And yes at 15 I played the roll of aspiring film student and angst-y artist, one day a week for months, quite well. Even got a couple potential dates out of it. Too bad I'm a coward.) But I wasn't looking for a job in the post dot.com recession and I was only 13 when I saw Singles and Nirvana changed the face of music. However, I am so NOT a Gen Y. I have used a typewriter and my first music purchases were vinyl. Also I abhorred this idea that moving back in with your parents after college, unless absolutely necessary, is even remotely acceptable. It may make financial sense but, holy shit.
This inability to be put in a box bothers me. And that it bothers me really bothers me. Really, though, reading through this I don't think it matters. I think I am looking for the security blanket of belonging but, am not so sure that it would be as comfy as it looks. Maybe my feet would stick out the bottom and the tags would rub.
I hate cold feet and cut the tags off my undies.
So while I get more content with who I am all the time, I can't promise that I won't show up as a poser some nights. Be nice, I don't foresee growing out of it anytime soon.
ETA: I'm not trying to be gloomy or mopey or something like that. Really this is just me doing brain dumps of things that are running through my head lately.
