(no subject)

I just found a letter from the past. It was from someone I met at a conference in '91. We met in a time before I was afraid of people I didn't know. (I was just afraid of people I did know) At that point I was 14 and had about 3 friends at school. But something happened when I left the wretched little town that spawned me. I was kinda cool. People liked me, they thought I was interesting to talk to. What a concept. (Truly the only memories that I truly cherish from before college that I have held on to are from somewhere not where I lived or at least not with anyone I saw at school.) I also usually attracted people much older than myself. So he was 18. But just as I was often mistaken for 'not a freshman' later on so was true that summer. I guess most 18 year olds weren't expecting to make an intellectual connection with a 14 yr old. And intellectual it was. Or at least seemed to be, inthe eyes of two high school misfits. So we talked, in the long rambling, stream of conscienceness way that has become a passion of my life. I can't remember any of what was said now. I wonder what I would think of it? At the time I recall feeling terribly deep. Of course who doesn't at that age. (OMG do I sound old)

So where am I going with this? Not sure. It just fit into a lot of what has been streaming through my head recently. Sometimes I feel like I wasted my youth. (I know I know I'm not that old i just feelds that way sometimes)I was always so concerned about being responsible and never disappointing anyone, that I missed things. So now I'm 29 and still tryin to find myself. I realized last month that having blue hair made me happy. Like really, really euphorically happy. Part was the shock factor. I love making people do a double take. But mostly it was the shear joy of the color. It positively glowed. It was like energy flowed out of me through it. But it is hard to get yourself brought into client meetings when you have blue hair. Or black lipstick. Or any of the myriad things that I want. But at least the others I can do on the weekends. I can, and am, get falls. But its not the same. So what it comes down to is how do you reclaim a part of yourself without losing another part of you? Maybe you don't, not fully. I would love to find a design job where I could have that sort of freedom. Maybe I need to look into diversifying. Find a firm more out on the edge. And this flows into today's crazy idea. Moving to Dublin. It is a fantastic city. Without the overwhelming sprawl that happens here. Oh course it is farther away from everything I miss that CA. (Although not by much.)

So lots of thoughts hat may or may not ever go anywhere. In the mean time. I am, as usual, desperately trying to gain control of life as a whole. I'm trying to seek out new friends, get back in shape and even fix up the house. We are finally investing in some real furniture. Maybe by October the house won't look like college students live here. Well that is all for now. In theory I should head off to bed, but we'll see. Goatboy has duty so I will probably read myself to sleep around 2 or so.

be free.