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Nov. 5th, 2021 00:08![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
darkfyre_museSo yesterday was a surprise sick day. I've been low on sleep and high on anxiety so I was looking to take a sick day, but yesterday took me. Nothing big just a cold but I slept til 2 then read the rest of the day. The rest was good and needed.
The evening did lead me to a youtube music binge which found me in a Chris Cornell deep dive. I don't remember not being a fan of his work. I'm not a huge audiophile but music has always sort of soaked into my life. I know what I like, even if I don't always remember who it is. So I soaked up a lot of Soundgarden in high school without really noticing and later fell in love with his solo work. (I'm a dork and Singles had a disproportionate influence) And honestly by 2015 I think I had a misplaced trust in the musical influences that had made it out of the 90's alive. That we were over the hump. I was in my 30's and all my rock influences were older. We were wiser, we had families. And while you never totally lose your demons, I'd come to a quiet truce with mine. Cornell losing to his demons at 52 was unnerving. Is still unnerving.
I haven't walked that razor edge in a really long time. I haven't had ideations in a long time. It isn't an option to be toyed with. Something like this feels like a dark reminder that demons can sneak up on you. Doing 'all the right things' doesn't necessarily protect you. Not 100%. Because nothing is fool proof.
Not sure where I wanted this to go. Just thoughts that spin. Conversations that don't get had in adult life. Conversations I miss from late nights and dusky mornings. (And suddenly inexplicably I'm thinking about the desert and how important the people there are to me and how fucking much I detest this fucking pandemic.)
The evening did lead me to a youtube music binge which found me in a Chris Cornell deep dive. I don't remember not being a fan of his work. I'm not a huge audiophile but music has always sort of soaked into my life. I know what I like, even if I don't always remember who it is. So I soaked up a lot of Soundgarden in high school without really noticing and later fell in love with his solo work. (I'm a dork and Singles had a disproportionate influence) And honestly by 2015 I think I had a misplaced trust in the musical influences that had made it out of the 90's alive. That we were over the hump. I was in my 30's and all my rock influences were older. We were wiser, we had families. And while you never totally lose your demons, I'd come to a quiet truce with mine. Cornell losing to his demons at 52 was unnerving. Is still unnerving.
I haven't walked that razor edge in a really long time. I haven't had ideations in a long time. It isn't an option to be toyed with. Something like this feels like a dark reminder that demons can sneak up on you. Doing 'all the right things' doesn't necessarily protect you. Not 100%. Because nothing is fool proof.
Not sure where I wanted this to go. Just thoughts that spin. Conversations that don't get had in adult life. Conversations I miss from late nights and dusky mornings. (And suddenly inexplicably I'm thinking about the desert and how important the people there are to me and how fucking much I detest this fucking pandemic.)
