darkfyre_muse: (kill coffee)
Yea I suck,but you all read anyway. weird.

So what's been going on?

resumes resumes resumes (ew.) and a coverletter (double ew.) even some networking. (no I don't really know how but don't tell anyone that) So I am getting stuff out there and that is good. Let's hope I get something back.

Last Saturday was wine and cheese and good friends and conversation.

But there was snow too. Have I mentioned I hate snow? Especially when mixed with icy nastiness that kills cars. It isn't totally dead but we're not sure if it's worth fixing. (yes this is from 2 weeks ago but there has been a delay and we're still sorting shit out.)

Wednesday was goat shearing with reedrover. It was fun, I even got to wrangle a goat for the first time. But my fun was cut short by some bad timing and a pre-scheduled webinar.

Thursday I finished my Green Building continuing education. Well sort of. All they credits are complete they just won't let me submit it until "closer to your due date". WTF!

The last 2 weeks have been rough in all the ways I don't have words for. I perpetually have things to say but not a voice to say them with. Working on that I promise.

ciao ciao

So...

Nov. 9th, 2010 13:18
darkfyre_muse: (david)
For everyone that was subjected to my angst last week, I apologize. Some of the stuff posted was melodramatic and while true not the whole truth.

On that note how about the question meme. Got a probing, interesting question? Ask away. Comments are screened. Let me know if you want it unscreened.
darkfyre_muse: (illyria scream)
I have been very disjointed recently. Calm and happy in the morning, freaking out at lunch, exhausted late morning and afternoon, then unable to sleep a full night. Arghh. Things are better than they were. But it still feels pretty rough.
darkfyre_muse: (paint hand)
I think my muse is taunting me. She will pop up and throw out the loveliest, most beautiful ideas, then run off and hide under a hidden rock. Err...thanks. Really. Inspired lack of motivation is so much fun.

So how does one capture a muse long enough to actually create something beautiful. Can I catch her in a book like a pressed faerie? Probably not.
Working on that one.

Made a good start last night started laying out collages of the trip east and the piercings. Also going through older work for more ideas.
darkfyre_muse: (angel2)
I think time flows like water. Fast. Slow. Cold. hot. Controlled by the structure of a river, raging out of control through a flooded gully. Contained and accounted for or slipping futilely through my fingers. Yep that last one about sums up where I am at and have been. For a moment it seems held in my cupped hands, til I realize it is slipping away through unseen cracks.
In the now I want to be like a great river, steady and strong eventually getting from point A to point B with just enough rapids and swerving to keep things interesting.
darkfyre_muse: (computer warning)
Friday -- Terminal BIOS error on laptop
Monday -- dying ipod
Wednesday -- dead Ipod

Steve's zune is currently mia
The lack of ipod, or another form of portable music is making working out at the gym excruciating.
darkfyre_muse: (pilze)
So terminal (almost) angst ridden procrastination leads to panic leads to more angst more panic, self induced all nighter. (Not to mention early morning Bios FAIL on the laptop)


ARGGGHHHHH!!!
OMG we DIE now!!
darkfyre_muse: (fine)
Anyone who's been there, and their loved ones, knows this is bullshit. Meaning everyone needs help. But often that is easier said than done. Finding professional help is, usually, a necessity. (if you disagree, /shrug, we can discuss in another venue/post) However sometimes getting that help is a problem in and of itself, for many and varied reasons. Even once you have a professional team on your side, they aren't there everyday. So what can the rest of your support system to do to help? I was asked this question and had no answer, good or otherwise. When I am in anything but a stable state, so mixed, manic or depressed, I am most likely going to be irritable and pissed at everyone. Hence there is a good probability that I will bite your head for any question more probing that "what do you want for dinner?". (even that might be dangerous if i am hungry and feeling judged. I usually feel judged.) So how can someone help if I can't let them in?
Why is this not covered in high school? Really it would have helped.

So...

May. 16th, 2010 22:43
darkfyre_muse: (fine)
Like I said, there's a lot in my head right now. Some grey and fuzzy, some dark and twisty and most of it pretty fucking confused. I've been answering questions lately a lot with "Not much" and "I'm fine". Translation: Fairly fucked up. (and yes, today's posts were brought to you by the number 5 and the word fuck)

Firstly I am being painfully cliche and textbook symptomatic. (Not taking meds for no reason?check, staying up late?check, avoiding direct questions?check, did I miss any?) So yea there is work to be done and atm I could really give a fuck. And I hate that part off me is banging its head against the wall saying "there is noe good reason for this!" over and over again. And the rest of me thinks she might be right.

OK enough for now, i'm out.
darkfyre_muse: (illyria scream)
I hate those dreams that are so real that you find yourself staring at the wreckage praying frantically that it is all a bad dream, and knowing that it isn't.

I'm getting a little tired of vivid dreaming. The happy, sensuous, "I hope this never ends" ones are not out numbering the carnage.
darkfyre_muse: (pls die)
Stupid should hurt.
Chronic stupid should be a prosecutable offense.
Chronic stupid that causes anguish to 2 or more parties should be a felony.
darkfyre_muse: (pixie)
If you keep up with facebook during the day, which I shamefully now do thank you [livejournal.com profile] vilejynx, you may have noticed that the morning brought me freaking out with an afternoon of feeling yucky. (incidentally these always go together. The second almost always follows the first) And really it wasn't anything dramatic or noteworthy. (And is really only being mentioned because someone asked and I needed to post tonight. Thank you [livejournal.com profile] sometimerose for asking.) Just a lot of little stuff piling up. Too many Christmas errands not yet done. Increasing anxiety over that test I have been studying for. And general end of a deployment stress. (They warn you about it but that really doesn't help much.)

So I came home, made some macaroni and fell asleep to Underworld:Evolution around 8. And now I am up and can get some stuff done.
darkfyre_muse: (fae wire)
and just can't get them out, dammit. I am currently reading a book called "Finding Your Bipolar Muse". And one of the quotes pretty much sums up the last 15 or so years of my life.(Yes Half of it) "When I am in a mixed state I get all these ideas about writing and art and working but, I have no energy or motivation to do anything with them." Basically things get stuck in my head. (which is why often my lists of posts to make is huge but I never get around to doing anything about. And why often when I finally do write them down I apologize first about subjecting you to my drivel. {I actually haven't done that in awhile, neat.}) And why I cry when I write.

So since I seem to keep missing my opportunities to get this stuff out I am going to dump a list here and start picking through it. What I have been thinking about, musing over and generally distracted by )

Other than all that things of been pretty up and down. I thought that I had kicked the general depressed funk that I've been in since Burning Man a couple weeks ago. And I had, sort of. I traded it for some rapid cycling and mixed states. I have an appointment in 2 weeks and am deciding what to say when I get there.

Oh yea and I found a new DENTIST!! I know I know you are currently giving me an odd look and wondering why this is so exciting. Well #1 he wasn't mean to me. I don't know the last time you went looking for one or how long it had been between visits but in my experience and that of others I know closely dentists can be relatively callous, sometimes mean and generally unsympathetic to people that have emotional(fear/anxiety) and financial problems seeking out dental care. I am trying to not hate the profession as a whole. Currently Dr. Godinez is their only hope imo. It didn't hurt that I didn't have any cavities or disintegrating fillings.
darkfyre_muse: (goth zen)
and slowly easing into real life again and working on beating back the effects of jet lag and 2 weeks of random travel. Oh yea add in a sudden lack of [livejournal.com profile] quixotic_goat. bleh.

So a little sad, very dehydrated, trying to remind my body what vegetables and fiber are, slowly convincing my brain that No it isn't noon its 4 AM. (umm ok more than a little lonely.)

Oh yea and I have 3 weeks til Burning Man. Holy Shit how did that happen?

So things are a little disjointed at the moment. However....

Budapest was BEAUTIFUL. And relaxing and wonderful. We visited a couple smaller towns in Hungary as well before heading to Vienna. Over the next couple days I will start posting a recap and hopefully get pictures up on Flicker quickly. (Question: What is the easiest site for hosting photos that will NOT require registration to view them?)

That's it for now, more to come.
darkfyre_muse: (Wraeththu)
I am so far behind in posts and responding to posts that I know not where to begin.

I guess start with the difficult.
My last post seems to have been disturbingly poignant. Friday night I got 'the call'. The forewarning of the previous week did nothing to cushion the blow. I think the news actually caught me by surprise, as silly as that sounds.
She was an incredible lady. And one that I will always regret not getting to know better. But in the last year she has taught me alot. How to truly be there for someone in need. Not for how it makes you feel or in some empty, nebulous offer of 'whatever you need'. But in concrete selfless ways that require absolutely nothing of the recipient. She also showed me the triumph of the human spirit and how beautiful a human can be.
Wisdom and grace is how I will always remember her.
darkfyre_muse: (Wraeththu)
Courage of the heart is very rare. The stone has a power when it's there.
-- Nichodemus, Secret of NIMH

Cherish it where you find it.
darkfyre_muse: (veil)
Somedays you flirt with your demons, sometimes you fight them and upon occassion mine get taken out to dinner. I wonder if I can get them to go on vacation?
darkfyre_muse: (Default)
Yes I am still alive for those who were wondering. The first part of 2006 has been a little bumpy but I have finally landed and am better off than when I started.
We survived another installment of traveling holiday insanity (how many states CAN you see in 10 days?) and were settling into the new year when I got my holiday 'bonus' at work. Yep you guessed it, my boss thought that the first friday in Jan would be a perfect time to layoff the entire architecture dept. We all thought it was a relatively bad idea but sadly were not consulted when making this decision. Go figure.

But as I have usually found with the bad stuff in my life if I hold on long enough things do turn out for the better. Fortunately spring is busy in the architecture world and I was at my last job just long enough and acquired enough experience to become suddenly very marketable. And I got really lucky. So now I am at a small firm 10 min from my house that designs schools that have good aesthetics and use sustainable energy concepts. (ex day lighting, solar panels and energy efficient fixtures.) Now if I can just stay here for a year things will be perfect. Of course we get very little say as to how long we will be in CA. Steve is up to change duty stations this summer so anything is possible. Fortunately he has 3 years left and then I get to pick where we go.

Well enough rambling for now. My goal is to get on here at least once a week and mindlessly ramble at anyone who has an interest.

ciao ciao
darkfyre_muse: (Default)
...I am almost indifferent about Steve’s next duty station. Which translates to, I am no longer utterly desperate to leave SoCal. A big part of that is finally having a job I like. And part of that is realizing that moving would mean starting over, again. Cause it was so uplifting last time. But I would be back east. And hopefully coastal. Ahh warm water in the summer and within driving distance of most peoples I want to see. (Hmm a Radiant Crane roadtrip?)

Moving really isn’t the bad part job hunting is. Positively my most hated necessary evil. I detest it. That and my current boss is crazy about my work. (boggles the mind I know.)

So I guess what it comes down to is does fear and loathing out weigh getting closer to where you want to be? The answer should probably be A. But leave it to us to over-analyze a multiple choice question. 

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