The Musings of a Wandering Soul

Yea I suck,but you all read anyway. weird.

So what's been going on?

resumes resumes resumes (ew.) and a coverletter (double ew.) even some networking. (no I don't really know how but don't tell anyone that) So I am getting stuff out there and that is good. Let's hope I get something back.

Last Saturday was wine and cheese and good friends and conversation.

But there was snow too. Have I mentioned I hate snow? Especially when mixed with icy nastiness that kills cars. It isn't totally dead but we're not sure if it's worth fixing. (yes this is from 2 weeks ago but there has been a delay and we're still sorting shit out.)

Wednesday was goat shearing with reedrover. It was fun, I even got to wrangle a goat for the first time. But my fun was cut short by some bad timing and a pre-scheduled webinar.

Thursday I finished my Green Building continuing education. Well sort of. All they credits are complete they just won't let me submit it until "closer to your due date". WTF!

The last 2 weeks have been rough in all the ways I don't have words for. I perpetually have things to say but not a voice to say them with. Working on that I promise.

ciao ciao

I have been very disjointed recently. Calm and happy in the morning, freaking out at lunch, exhausted late morning and afternoon, then unable to sleep a full night. Arghh. Things are better than they were. But it still feels pretty rough.

I think time flows like water. Fast. Slow. Cold. hot. Controlled by the structure of a river, raging out of control through a flooded gully. Contained and accounted for or slipping futilely through my fingers. Yep that last one about sums up where I am at and have been. For a moment it seems held in my cupped hands, til I realize it is slipping away through unseen cracks.
In the now I want to be like a great river, steady and strong eventually getting from point A to point B with just enough rapids and swerving to keep things interesting.

So terminal (almost) angst ridden procrastination leads to panic leads to more angst more panic, self induced all nighter. (Not to mention early morning Bios FAIL on the laptop)


ARGGGHHHHH!!!
OMG we DIE now!!

Like I said, there's a lot in my head right now. Some grey and fuzzy, some dark and twisty and most of it pretty fucking confused. I've been answering questions lately a lot with "Not much" and "I'm fine". Translation: Fairly fucked up. (and yes, today's posts were brought to you by the number 5 and the word fuck)

Firstly I am being painfully cliche and textbook symptomatic. (Not taking meds for no reason?check, staying up late?check, avoiding direct questions?check, did I miss any?) So yea there is work to be done and atm I could really give a fuck. And I hate that part off me is banging its head against the wall saying "there is noe good reason for this!" over and over again. And the rest of me thinks she might be right.

OK enough for now, i'm out.

Stupid should hurt.
Chronic stupid should be a prosecutable offense.
Chronic stupid that causes anguish to 2 or more parties should be a felony.

and just can't get them out, dammit. I am currently reading a book called "Finding Your Bipolar Muse". And one of the quotes pretty much sums up the last 15 or so years of my life.(Yes Half of it) "When I am in a mixed state I get all these ideas about writing and art and working but, I have no energy or motivation to do anything with them." Basically things get stuck in my head. (which is why often my lists of posts to make is huge but I never get around to doing anything about. And why often when I finally do write them down I apologize first about subjecting you to my drivel. {I actually haven't done that in awhile, neat.}) And why I cry when I write.

So since I seem to keep missing my opportunities to get this stuff out I am going to dump a list here and start picking through it. ( What I have been thinking about, musing over and generally distracted by )

Other than all that things of been pretty up and down. I thought that I had kicked the general depressed funk that I've been in since Burning Man a couple weeks ago. And I had, sort of. I traded it for some rapid cycling and mixed states. I have an appointment in 2 weeks and am deciding what to say when I get there.

Oh yea and I found a new DENTIST!! I know I know you are currently giving me an odd look and wondering why this is so exciting. Well #1 he wasn't mean to me. I don't know the last time you went looking for one or how long it had been between visits but in my experience and that of others I know closely dentists can be relatively callous, sometimes mean and generally unsympathetic to people that have emotional(fear/anxiety) and financial problems seeking out dental care. I am trying to not hate the profession as a whole. Currently Dr. Godinez is their only hope imo. It didn't hurt that I didn't have any cavities or disintegrating fillings.

I am so far behind in posts and responding to posts that I know not where to begin.

I guess start with the difficult.
My last post seems to have been disturbingly poignant. Friday night I got 'the call'. The forewarning of the previous week did nothing to cushion the blow. I think the news actually caught me by surprise, as silly as that sounds.
She was an incredible lady. And one that I will always regret not getting to know better. But in the last year she has taught me alot. How to truly be there for someone in need. Not for how it makes you feel or in some empty, nebulous offer of 'whatever you need'. But in concrete selfless ways that require absolutely nothing of the recipient. She also showed me the triumph of the human spirit and how beautiful a human can be.
Wisdom and grace is how I will always remember her.

Somedays you flirt with your demons, sometimes you fight them and upon occassion mine get taken out to dinner. I wonder if I can get them to go on vacation?

...I am almost indifferent about Steve’s next duty station. Which translates to, I am no longer utterly desperate to leave SoCal. A big part of that is finally having a job I like. And part of that is realizing that moving would mean starting over, again. Cause it was so uplifting last time. But I would be back east. And hopefully coastal. Ahh warm water in the summer and within driving distance of most peoples I want to see. (Hmm a Radiant Crane roadtrip?)

Moving really isn’t the bad part job hunting is. Positively my most hated necessary evil. I detest it. That and my current boss is crazy about my work. (boggles the mind I know.)

So I guess what it comes down to is does fear and loathing out weigh getting closer to where you want to be? The answer should probably be A. But leave it to us to over-analyze a multiple choice question. 