The Musings of a Wandering Soul

darkfyre_muse @ 2021-11-05T00:08:00

2021-11-05T04:08:44Z

So yesterday was a surprise sick day. I've been low on sleep and high on anxiety so I was looking to take a sick day, but yesterday took me. Nothing big just a cold but I slept til 2 then read the rest of the day. The rest was good and needed.
The evening did lead me to a youtube music binge which found me in a Chris Cornell deep dive. I don't remember not being a fan of his work. I'm not a huge audiophile but music has always sort of soaked into my life. I know what I like, even if I don't always remember who it is. So I soaked up a lot of Soundgarden in high school without really noticing and later fell in love with his solo work. (I'm a dork and Singles had a disproportionate influence) And honestly by 2015 I think I had a misplaced trust in the musical influences that had made it out of the 90's alive. That we were over the hump. I was in my 30's and all my rock influences were older. We were wiser, we had families. And while you never totally lose your demons, I'd come to a quiet truce with mine. Cornell losing to his demons at 52 was unnerving. Is still unnerving.
I haven't walked that razor edge in a really long time. I haven't had ideations in a long time. It isn't an option to be toyed with. Something like this feels like a dark reminder that demons can sneak up on you. Doing 'all the right things' doesn't necessarily protect you. Not 100%. Because nothing is fool proof.

Not sure where I wanted this to go. Just thoughts that spin. Conversations that don't get had in adult life. Conversations I miss from late nights and dusky mornings. (And suddenly inexplicably I'm thinking about the desert and how important the people there are to me and how fucking much I detest this fucking pandemic.)

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The writing...

2021-11-02T05:28:51Z

I used to be good at this. Mainly because it was a habit. The only way to write is to write. So since I don't NaNoWriMo, I'm posting here.

Life has been interesting and not. Much like my last 20 months. The pandemic has sucked, I actually miss people. But I have a hybrid work schedule now, which is lovely. And working from home for a year gave me the time and space to do a lot of headwork that's long overdue. (Therapy-0, Life Coach-1)

And now I'm really really hoping that socializing starts happening again. I miss people. (Its weird, I know)

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Wanting to write

2021-10-11T19:28:10Z

So I've been wanting to start posting here again for about a week but just couldn't figure out what to say. (I used to do this all the time, really it can't be that hard.) So this led me to spend several hours this weekend reading through my archive. This wasn't just effective at getting the wheels rolling again but it was also surprisingly enjoyable. I can't quite quantify it in words but the is something so much more pleasurable in DW/LJ interactions than what I get on FB. (Very possibly the people but I don't think it's just that as many of my LJ contacts are also on FB.) But I got reminded of people I haven't seen/talked to in ages, of art that I had forgotten, of the inherently comfy nature of this space.

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darkfyre_muse @ 2021-10-10T17:42:00

2021-10-10T21:45:30Z

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BLERG

2020-02-05T07:22:44Z

So I spent 3 hours prepping for a meeting tomorrow, and now I really don't want to go to bed. I mean it isn't actually insomnia cause if I went to bed I would be out but sleep is so boring. So I am rewatching some old TV and asking the internet random questions. Yea for poor life choices.

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Well hello...

2017-01-29T22:30:38Z

Well hello there long form social media, what have you been up to?
Well I noticed a few years ago that I had lost my voice. And in responding to a good friend last week I think I finally remembered the last place I may have seen it. That was with you. I was lured over to the short, fast world of modern social media. And while I have uses for that medium I am never as honest as am here.

But since here isn't quite where I left it I am looking for recommendations of building my reading page up.

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2013 Re-Cap like

2014-01-04T20:01:11Z

So like the lovely Make_your_move I am striving to post more this year. Both here in long form and on Facebook. (One of the things I learned about life from Burning Man is that you can only thrive in the community if you help create it.)She posted this Q&A meme that seems like a good starting point for someone who hasn't posted much/any in the last year.

1. What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?
knitted a sock. Seriously I can think of nothing more pedestrian than that. Damn I need to gte out more.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't make resolutions. Though I do use the Solstice and the New Year as points to reflect on the past and visualize the future.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not truly close. Ciaran got a new cousin and an acquaintance welcomed her second son.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. I'm thankful for that, so many of my friends have lost loved ones.

5. What countries did you visit?
None. The passports are terribly dusty and my boots aren't dusty enough.

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
Sanity. A job. Passion.

7. What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
None. There was no one moment that happened just a swirling storm.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting us all through healthy and breathing. Some days that is nough.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not dealing with a bad situation like a grown-up. Not maintaining my relationships.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Physically no. My healthy body has always compensated for the trainwreck that is my brain.

11. ~~What was the best thing you bought?~~
seriously? this is a question?

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
julesk (as usual), my sister's girlfriend, my sister

13. Whose behaviour made you ~~appalled and~~ depressed?
There is a list, a short one, but I don't want to point fingers, I have no right to.

14. Where did most of your money go?
What little there is: food, mortgage, electrcity

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
A trip that didn't happen, Ciaran turning 2

16. What song will always remind you of 2013?
"Just give me a reason"
"Try"
- P!nk

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder? sadder,
thinner or fatter? fatter
richer or poorer? poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
travel, burning

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
crying, hiding, regretting

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
We spent it at home in VA with good friends and a curious two year old.

22. Did you fall in love in 2013?
No

23. How many one-night stands?
none, better luck next year

24. What was your favourite TV program?
don't think I had one.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I fight hate, but it is sometimes hard. No one this year truly earned it, nor indifference, though it was close.

26. What was the best book you read?

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Penatonix, not my usual but tons of fun.

28. What did you want and get?
a happy kid

29. What did you want and not get?
some close, personal time with a lady I want to be closer to

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
did I watch any movies this year?

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 36, and I made cupcakes

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
more sex and more play

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
what fits?

34. What kept you sane?
you're funny. But julesk kept me off the edge.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
P!nk, my hero.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Healthcare, women's rights

37. Who did you miss?
Christine, my sister, someone I haven't seen in a decade

38. Who were the best new people you met?
Amber and Brian. (Technically 2012, but we didn't hang out then)

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013
It's not a new one, but I keep forgetting. You never get what you don't ask for. And if it matters you'll get it done yourself.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent

It's been one hell of a year. Wish I could say it was unique, but just the same old crap. Here's to working for a better 2014.

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fuck 2013

2014-01-04T18:43:06Z

It is a new year. And as seems to be my usual I find myself reflecting on a year that was more down than up. A year where I again found myself mistaking happy for manic, just because I forgot what it feels like. And then this week I remembered, was reminded, that the soul must be fed. And that my soul does not thrive on light alone. I need the passionate dark that is not hiding but celebrating its pain. Riding agony and unrequited love through the night on a dark horse from hell.

(I’m not a writer, so I am shameless in the face of my bad emo metaphors. They sound juvenile, I am sure, but are cathartic none the less.)

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loss...

2014-01-03T01:02:09Z

Would she smile if she knew how much I miss her blade?

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voices

2013-12-02T03:08:57Z

Words words everywhere, but not a voice to speak.

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