darkfyre_muse: (TV tights)
I own you people about a hundred posts. I also need to clean my car, this seems more interesting. Let's start with an update.

January was good. March is going well so far. February was pretty craptastic. Once again proving that little catastrophes can make me tail spin. Live learn and get over it. (I am also officially not allowed to say 'rocks fall, everyone dies.' Some say it was having a negative impact on my attitude. go figure)

Let's stick to the good and the present. Spring seems to be settling in. There has been rainy and warm(-ish) days in the last week. Makes me happy. I am finding actual job listings that I am actually qualified for to apply to. It's a good thing. I also made a post to my professional blog yesterday, with hopefully more to come. ( http://architectsmuse.blogspot.com/ ) It was just a link with a comment, but its a start. I find that being an active member of the internet makes me happier than just being a consumer. That just means fighting my innate tendency to just lurk. Bad lurker no cookie.

Attending a birthday party tonight for some good friends, promises to be much fun, complete with cupcakes. My hair is currently a bright shiny red that sparkles in the sun. I have a fire spinning gig in May. Not paid, but performing is performing and it has been far to long since I felt that rush.

The mental health front is improving as well. I am working at getting out of my comfort zone and doing positive productive things involving other human beings. People are good, so interaction should be a good thing. Learning new coping techniques for when things get derailed. Habits to get into now while things are good so I will remember to do them when things aren't. I also dropped the dosage of one med to reduce side effects. It got rid of the one we were concerned with, but I just found out that the same drug is most likely contributing to my lack of attention span recently. It's not the only reason, but getting off it would help.

All to the good. Let's see, what else? Doing more reading this month than I have in awhile. You can pop over to goodreads ( http://www.goodreads.com/review/list/4740272-megan?shelf=currently-reading ) to see what I've been up to. Still looking for good, engaging non-fiction, so let me know if you know of something great.

kk that's all for now.
darkfyre_muse: (river's feet)
“If you’re bored with life...or you don’t get up every morning
with a burning desire to do things...you don’t have enough
goals.” -Lou Holtz

So if boredom is the symptom I guess I need to make some goals. Concrete plans. defined goals. real time frames.
darkfyre_muse: (illyria scream)
I have been very disjointed recently. Calm and happy in the morning, freaking out at lunch, exhausted late morning and afternoon, then unable to sleep a full night. Arghh. Things are better than they were. But it still feels pretty rough.
darkfyre_muse: (river's feet)
can't think can't sit still can't concentrate
Lot's to do
irritable tired wired
darkfyre_muse: (goth zen)
So I find that not only am I enjoying spending time with all the friends I already, have I am actually enjoying meeting new people. (Which is good considering the number that I am being introduced to these days)In the past it isn't so much that I haven't enjoyed meeting new people, more that whether I liked them or not, the whole process was rather stress producing. The whole "OMG no one is going to like me ever!" thing is starting to get less frequent. It's still there and I haven't quite gotten comfortable enough to just pick up a conversation with strangers, but things are better than they were. Heck the fact that I am willing to actually go out to meet said new people is a huge improvement from earlier this year.
darkfyre_muse: (panic)
cry cry bounce bounce panic bounce scream

that has been my day.
This is not normal.
So apologies to my lunch date who probably only followed about half of what I said.

Also, a cold pack and sunglasses inside. You do the math.

be well my friends.


May. 30th, 2010 23:30
darkfyre_muse: (this will do)
So for the last several months I have been having a lot of problems getting quality sleep. I was going to bed far too late most nights. (2-3ish) Then waking at 5 or 6 and being unable to fall back to sleep for hours. When I went to the new pdoc Monday I explained this and was expecting her to give me a script for a sleep aid. She didn't. She rightly blamed it on the uncontrolled depression that the Lamictal was only partially treating. I am now on 5mg Abilify. I have reservations about it in the long term. But for the next 6 weeks? Fuck yea! I have had better, longer uninterrupted sleep, with fewer disturbing dreams/nightmares, in the last week than anytime in the last 6 months. (Not counting marathin naps due to utter exhaustion and that one time where a certain someone broke my brain in the best possible way)

Here's to figuring things out.
darkfyre_muse: (this will do)
And she doesn't suck.
She also has a less than favorable opinion of my previous doc. Which isn't necessarily a bad observation. First, she says my current meds can be used during pregnancy, based on 30 years of research and use in the EU prior to FDA approval in the US. (this inability of US doctors to recognize international health information is a BIG pet peeve of mine.)
She was also very encouraging of my use of fish oil and recommended increasing dosage to a more therapeutic level. (1000-2000mg)
And on a more mixed note, she pointed out/verified what I already knew, for awhile now. My current meds are not getting the job done. /sigh So now we are going to start playing the 'wheel-of-meds". I will start as optimistic, we'll see. Lamictal is marginally treating the depression but is apparently crap for treating mixed states. I majored in mixed states, working on my master's at the moment. We are adding a low dose of Abilify. Err..maybe, I am trying to keep an open mind. There are two things I am suspicious about regarding this drug. First it is one of the first, if not the first, drug advertised for bipolar. These leads me to question if it is over-prescribed. The new doc seems to give out a lot of samples. /shrug we will see what that means in the end. (if you have experience please share. Email me if you want to maintain privacy.)

Now I just need to find a therapist sympathetic to eccentric lifestyle choices.
darkfyre_muse: (fine)
Anyone who's been there, and their loved ones, knows this is bullshit. Meaning everyone needs help. But often that is easier said than done. Finding professional help is, usually, a necessity. (if you disagree, /shrug, we can discuss in another venue/post) However sometimes getting that help is a problem in and of itself, for many and varied reasons. Even once you have a professional team on your side, they aren't there everyday. So what can the rest of your support system to do to help? I was asked this question and had no answer, good or otherwise. When I am in anything but a stable state, so mixed, manic or depressed, I am most likely going to be irritable and pissed at everyone. Hence there is a good probability that I will bite your head for any question more probing that "what do you want for dinner?". (even that might be dangerous if i am hungry and feeling judged. I usually feel judged.) So how can someone help if I can't let them in?
Why is this not covered in high school? Really it would have helped.


May. 16th, 2010 22:43
darkfyre_muse: (fine)
Like I said, there's a lot in my head right now. Some grey and fuzzy, some dark and twisty and most of it pretty fucking confused. I've been answering questions lately a lot with "Not much" and "I'm fine". Translation: Fairly fucked up. (and yes, today's posts were brought to you by the number 5 and the word fuck)

Firstly I am being painfully cliche and textbook symptomatic. (Not taking meds for no reason?check, staying up late?check, avoiding direct questions?check, did I miss any?) So yea there is work to be done and atm I could really give a fuck. And I hate that part off me is banging its head against the wall saying "there is noe good reason for this!" over and over again. And the rest of me thinks she might be right.

OK enough for now, i'm out.
darkfyre_muse: (illyria scream)
I hate those dreams that are so real that you find yourself staring at the wreckage praying frantically that it is all a bad dream, and knowing that it isn't.

I'm getting a little tired of vivid dreaming. The happy, sensuous, "I hope this never ends" ones are not out numbering the carnage.
darkfyre_muse: (scorch)
I started a post saturday but never finished.
"I am feeling very dysphoric right now.
Edgy, almost, though not quite, paranoid.
Feeling full of potential, but not motivated."

So that was my weekend. I hate feeling like that. I didn't get done nearly what I "needed" to. And that feeling that I should have accomplished more usually means that I start reducing my sleep in the hopes of catching up. You can see where this is going. No where good. Last night was the most sleep I've gotten all week. 5 hours. Stellar.

Work has been alright. I have been doing sections of existing buildings for a new project. It isn't my favorite thing but at least sections are interesting. So just about enough work to keep me mostly engaged. This is a nice change.

I leave for Burning Man in 14 hours!! So excited!!! A whole week in the desert with fantastic friends, art and lots of fire. It'll be good to be in a place where I fit and don't have to censor my brain.
The car is mostly packed I'll leave tonight after work.

Probably more of an update later.
darkfyre_muse: (jin)
Hmmm.. me thinks terminal angst is receding. This is very very goo, this were sorta starting to implode there for a while.

Today I feel very positive, highly motivated and possibly optimistic. Eminent fear of certain upcoming events is lessening. Though one should never under estimate my ability to rapidly switch from bouncy to terrified. Yea maybe I should do something about that. (I am the most optimistic pessimist I know.)

I am currently at my desk bouncing on the balance ball. Yes I have indeed returned to eliciting odd looks from coworkers by Eschewing my desk chair for a 55cm ball. It is good for my posture and consequently my neck/arm issues. Plus bouncing is much more fun than spinning. )
darkfyre_muse: (fae wire)
and just can't get them out, dammit. I am currently reading a book called "Finding Your Bipolar Muse". And one of the quotes pretty much sums up the last 15 or so years of my life.(Yes Half of it) "When I am in a mixed state I get all these ideas about writing and art and working but, I have no energy or motivation to do anything with them." Basically things get stuck in my head. (which is why often my lists of posts to make is huge but I never get around to doing anything about. And why often when I finally do write them down I apologize first about subjecting you to my drivel. {I actually haven't done that in awhile, neat.}) And why I cry when I write.

So since I seem to keep missing my opportunities to get this stuff out I am going to dump a list here and start picking through it. What I have been thinking about, musing over and generally distracted by )

Other than all that things of been pretty up and down. I thought that I had kicked the general depressed funk that I've been in since Burning Man a couple weeks ago. And I had, sort of. I traded it for some rapid cycling and mixed states. I have an appointment in 2 weeks and am deciding what to say when I get there.

Oh yea and I found a new DENTIST!! I know I know you are currently giving me an odd look and wondering why this is so exciting. Well #1 he wasn't mean to me. I don't know the last time you went looking for one or how long it had been between visits but in my experience and that of others I know closely dentists can be relatively callous, sometimes mean and generally unsympathetic to people that have emotional(fear/anxiety) and financial problems seeking out dental care. I am trying to not hate the profession as a whole. Currently Dr. Godinez is their only hope imo. It didn't hurt that I didn't have any cavities or disintegrating fillings.
darkfyre_muse: (jareth)
some suck and some not I guess. But in the end I got a negative balance.

The Good part: two weeks of happy happy mania. The good, energetic productive kind that I never get. It was fortuitous as well because we had a party this past Saturday night. So last week I was buzzing with cleaning and shopping and planing and decorating. The house looked fantastic. All shiny and neat and decked to the nines with Halloween goodness.

The Mixed: The party was a social flop. We had the food and the booze and music and ambiance. And a decided lack of guests. 6 Including my sister and a 5 month old. Those that were there were, however, high quality guests. People that we like and don't hang out with nearly enough. Two expected guests had good excuses, work and sick. Three others just suck and the rest I never really expected to come. It was a fun enjoyable evening. And despite the downer has inspired me to further social efforts.

The Bad: Painful crashing depressed exhaustion. I slept late Sunday, but managed to clean-up most of the party stuff, though am still working on the dishes. I then proceeded to have a major panic attack in the face of shopping for formal wear. Followed by much hiding in books. Monday brought another panic attack at the prospect on teaching. And the last 3 days have been pretty brooding and weeping.

Fortunately the weather has been a grey soothing balm to that which ails. It feels and smells of fall and has the cool grey skies of an early eastern spring. So for now I ride the waves of uncertainty but, things are starting to turn a corner. I really hope this weather holds awhile longer. I need it.
darkfyre_muse: (rainbow fairy)
Everything is out of the office. Gone done untakebackable. The pressure is lifted, a calm descends upon the office. Everyone is quiet and passive. AND the mandatory OT has been rescinded. We are in a holding pattern during a redesign of the final phase. I came in at 8 today and damn does that hour make a difference.

The weather today has been perfect. The morning was cool and grey for my drive in. But by lunch it had burned off and is now sunny with light puffy clouds. Not oppressively sunny, just nice and comfortable. I got out at lunch and was majorly productive. I found a new eye doctor and a colorist/stylist. Two things I hate looking for and have needed for the last 3 years. (My initial experiences with the above in CA were less that acceptable.) I also found a pottery painting place and a new restaurant. This also indicates to me that I do need sunlight and sleep, much to the contrary of my otherwise mopey assertions.

The creative juices are flowing and I feel motivated and productive. Hopefully I can keep it going. (by brute force if required.)

The introduction to deployment is moving forward. I find that really don't think about where he is, such that since its just 2 weeks it feels like any other TDY/training. Better actually since I know that he will be back at about the time the novelty of living alone again has worn off.

Happy Friday to you all.

peace + hope + joy
darkfyre_muse: (dark side)

Yes this now defines which hormones we're talking about and possibly why adult drugs can have such disastrous effects. But I find the 'caused by hormones revelation to be a bit anti-climatic.

Of course does this mean I am perpetually 16? /shudder Contemplation of high school makes me truly happy to turn 30. Of course forever 26 would be pretty nice.

January 2017


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